pà con muốn đọc truyện cười tiếng anh thì zô đây

[violet_girl]

A True English gentleman
A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home...

"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"
"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."
"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."
"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."
"My dear Clyde died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"

"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."
"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?"
"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."
"Good Lord! How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."
"The *house*? The house burnt down, too? How did the house burn down?"
"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."
"Oh. Candle? Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."
"The wake?!? Whose wake? For pity's sake..."
"Actually, your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."
"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"
"It must have been the shock, sir."
"The shock."
"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."
(Source: ArcaMax Jokes April 20)
[i]

[violet_girl]

ROMEO & JULIET


Vì sao đôi tình nhân lại chết? Hồi đó Romeo không dám đến nhà Juliet nên phải liên hệ qua email. Một hôm Juliet viết một bức thư nồng nàn:


Dear Romeo,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are handsome, generous, kind, and thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and stupid. Romeo, you have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy. Will you let me be yours?
Juliet

Như mọi lần, vì lười nên Juliet không bỏ dấu. Romeo nhận được, in ra giấy và tự bỏ dấu thì đọc thành:


Dear Romeo,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are handsome, generous, kind, and thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and stupid. Romeo, you have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Juliet

Đọc xong Romeo uống thuốc độc tự tử liền. Nghe tin dữ, Juliet cũng quyên sinh theo. The End.

[violet_girl]

1- CHUYỆN THẬT KHÔNG ĐÙA


Trước hết là chuyện tiếng Việt. Ngoài tiệm cắt tóc nọ có treo biển đề "Hớt Tóc Miễn Phí". Một người đi qua thấy vậy có vẻ không tin, bèn lại gần đọc dòng chữ nhỏ hơn ở dưới: "Chuyện Thật Không Đùa". Bây giờ ông mới tin là thật, bèn bước vào tiệm kêu hớt tóc. Sau khi hớt xong chủ tiệm đòi tiền, ông mới hỏi sao treo biển miễn phí. Chủ tiệm dẫn ông ra chỉ vào tấm biển, ông ghé mắt đọc sát thì phát hiện thêm mấy cái dấu câu (sơn màu giống màu nền nên khó thấy). Nội dung của dòng chữ ở dưới đúng ra là:


"Chuyện Thật? Không! Đùa!"

Thế là phải móc tiền ra trả !


2- A SHAVE FOR NOTHING


Chuyện tương tự nhưng là tiếng Ăng-lê. Ngoài cửa kính tiệm hớt tóc có sơn mấy câu:


My name is Fink
and what do you think
I will give you a shave for nothing
and give you a drink


Ông khách nọ tưởng bở đi vào nhưng hớt xong cũng bị đòi tiền. Sau khi đọc kỹ lại ổng mới tá hỏa vì bỏ sót mấy dấu chấm câu:


My name is Fink, and what ?! Do you think I will give you a shave for nothing, and give you a drink ?!


3- CAR FOR SALE


Ông nọ đi đăng rao vặt bán xe hơi trên báo:


Car for sale. A classic! Lemon yellow coupe. Exterior is rust-proof. Can be delivered upon request. No engine runs better. If the sun is out, you can remove the roof for the feel of wind in your hair. Go ahead and kick the tires. As soon as they see it your neighbors will hassle you for a ride. Call xxx-xxxx.


Đến khi báo ra thì ông tá hỏa vì mẩu rao bị sai dấu chấm câu do sắp chữ nhầm:


Car for sale. A classic lemon. Yellow coupe exterior is rust. Proof can be delivered upon request. No engine. Runs better if the sun is out. You can remove the roof. For the feel of wind in your hair, go ahead and kick the tires. As soon as they see it your neighbors will hassle you. For a ride, call xxx-xxxx.


Thế có chết không chớ !!

[DoanhZjNhan]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is caught when she hears one of the men say the following.....

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again, then pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady, "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives......"

"Hey, cool down lady,"says the man, "who's a talking about their sex lives? I'm a just telling my friend how to spella Mississipi."

[DoanhZjNhan]

An Arabian was interviewed at the US Embassy. - Consul: What is your name? - Arab. : Abdul Aziz - Consul: Sex? - Arab.: Six to twelve times a week. - Consul: I mean, Male or female? - Arab.: Both male and female, sometimes even camels. - Consul: Holy cow! - Arab.: Yes, cows and dogs too. - Consul: Man, isn't it hostile? - Arab.: Horse style, dog style, any style. - Consul: Oh dear! - Arab.: Deer? No deer, they run too fast

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